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From a male survivor's perspective
"Mark's" story
A male survivor of child sexual abuse. That is a label that I have come to accept over the past year. For the rest of my life I will be a survivor, and I am a stronger person because of it. At the age of 10, my sister’s male friend sexually abused me. Not just once, but many times over the span of four years. The repercussions of molestation on my life have been very detrimental.
The abuse, which I endured, encompassed my adult life. I became angry, sexually promiscuous, depressed and dependant on alcohol and drugs to kill my pain. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was feeling after I came to grips with the fact that I was abused. The anger inside of me became uncontrollable and soon I began to release my rage on my family. At the age of 15, I began to beat on every one of my family members. I continually punched holes in the walls and beat on my sisters, as well as my own mother. This was the only way to alleviate the hostility that I had for my abuser.
Sexual promiscuity also became a way for me to deal with the pain. The foundation that was laid for me as a child was not the same that a “normal” child receives. While the abuse was taking place, I quickly learned that the only way for me to be accepted was through sex. Therefore, sex to me was something that I had to have all the time, not so much for the physical feeling, but for the mental satisfaction that it gave me. Through sex, I gained a false sense of caring and acceptance. I became obsessed with obtaining this feeling, and I hurt the loved ones in my life because of it. I lost my virginity by the age of 13, and I could not maintain a trusting, faithful relationship throughout my adult life. The anger and the sexual hyperactivity quickly led to depression. This is when I knew that I had to get help soon.
My anger and hyperactive sex life became normal to me over the years, and I truly believed that it was something everybody experiences. During one summer, I began to think that maybe what I was experiencing was not normal. This is when I took the first and the hardest step on my road to recovery. I called the Women’s Resource Center to set up an appointment. I know what you are thinking. The Women's Resouce Center is only for women. The misconception made me a little apprehensive at first. But my counselor at the Women's Resouce Center assured me that sexually abused men were as important as women. After a few visits, the employees of the Women's Resouce Center welcomed me with open arms. With the help of my counselor, I slowly began to untangle the affect of sexual abuse in my life.
This was not an easy process because through healing I became more depressed. My depression led to suicidal thoughts, and the suicidal thoughts started to become more and more attainable. I disclosed these thoughts to my counselor at the Women's Resouce Center and I quickly received help. Through the suggestion of my counselor I admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital. This is where I hit rock bottom.
At the hospital, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and severe depression. I spent five days learning about my mental illness and how I could conquer it. Upon leaving the hospital I continued extensive counseling through the Women's Resouce Center. With the help of those at the Women’s Resource Center, I learned how to live with the abuse and not let it control my life. After many months of counseling, I now have a renewed lease on life. I no longer let sex, anger and depression dictate my every move. My life is filled with happiness and hope. I am currently involved in a healthy, loving, faithful relationship. I have made amends with all of the loved ones that I had hurt. I graduated with a bachelor’s degree from Radford University. My life is better than ever. I know that life is about choices that I make, not external events controlling my actions. I owe this new outlook on life to the Women's Resouce Center.
I know that there is someone reading this that is going through what I went through. I beg you to understand that all I have gone through in my life has led to a happy, normal life. I am stronger because of what I have gone through. And though I would not want anyone to experience what I have, I am happy with who I am. The sexual abuse will always be a part of my life, but I have accepted it as a part of me that has made me stronger. You, too, can achieve this happiness and strength. I am not going to lie to you and tell you that it is easy. It is anything but easy, but you will not achieve happiness unless you get help. Whether you are a boy or a girl, a man or a woman, the Women's Resouce Center can help you on the road to recovery. The decision I made to seek help from them was the first step that led to my recovery. Take that first step, it will be the best decision that you will ever make.